I don't know what the chances are that you read my Year In Review post, or how likely it is you'll read this, but if you did or are, I hope that my YIR read like you were hearing me talk about my year to someone else. Like it was overheard at the table behind you, because that's the perspective I tried to keep. I toyed with the idea of talking to you directly like this. On one hand, I don't want to because it's not the healthiest communication pattern, but on the other hand, it's an established one, and in some ways I feel like it's safe for both of us.

I didn't want it to feel like I was speaking to you subliminally, because even though my YIR contained you, it wasn't about you or sending you a message indirectly. And even now this is directly indirect. I don't have much to say, but for some reason I cannot get this out of my head:
Looking back lately, I can't stop thinking about November 2012, and when you told me that you might not come home for Thanksgiving. I remember being angry--like you were purposefully not coming home, like it was something you didn't want to do, and I remember taking the disappointment personally.

I wish I would've validated for you how hard that must have been for you. To potentially not go home and see the family and friends you love and missed so much after moving to a new city and feeling very lonely in it; To be struggling to find a job, and to be dealing with money issues yourself and with your roommates because living in that city is so expensive. I wish I would've told you that I would be really sad if I couldn't see you then, but that I supported you no matter how it worked out and that I hoped the job at AMC would make you feel better about living in your new city and that I hoped the sacrifice of not seeing everyone would be worth it--if you had to.

I would've validated, knowing now what I know, that it must have been really hard to follow a dream but also feeling trapped in it. To need roommates to cover the bills, and to have plans for your life that you wanted to change some aspects or the timing of, but seemingly couldn't. I can only imagine how hard that was for you, to have me and someone else in your life. It must have been, and could still be, very confusing for you. I wish I could've taken this outlook and approach so much sooner, it would've saved both of us a lot of heartache. I think this perspective, and this validating approach applies to every messy situation we have been in since that point in time.

There were many times in therapy that Diane said to me "YOU SAID WHAT TO HER?!" I have wronged you on many accounts with my words, and we both know the power of words. But when your mom did a legitimate double take seeing me Sunday (which I didn't think was possible after meeting a person once) and at many points while talking to your sister, I realized that I have been so wrong about you on so many accounts. I think I was important to you, and I think I have been more difficult for you than I have ever previously imagined. Diane tried to tell me this, and I understood it, but it really hit home on another level Sunday.

While we were talking, she also mentioned the courage it took for her to approach me and have that conversation, and that wrung in my ears as loudly as when she said all we can do is work on ourselves. More than anything, if I had to seemingly defend myself, I feel that I've worked on myself a lot this year. And when I think of you, I wish for you to also have courage. I remember you once said you don't know yourself, and if you grow to know anyone over the next year, I hope it's you that you discover. If I had to venture a guess, I would bet several beers that you're an INFP on the Myer's Briggs test. And I wish for you to love and be loved fully and passionately, and to have the courage to pursue those feelings if you are not; I know I've told you that before, but it still stands now that the words are flowing from my fingertips. In the interest of keeping this short, I'll end this here.